NEt History
by roxas-for-president
Summary: Cloud didn't know what he expected to see when he clicked on the icon. But it sure as hell wasn't this! LXC Yaoi Lemon content
1. The Lemon

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing, which is probably a really good thing. **

**Warning:**** this story contains… --shifty eyes—Yaoi, fangirlness, Lemon content. Cid singing, Sephiroth glomping. **

**Written By: **** Roxas-For-President**

**Betaed By:**** Daemon-In-White**

notes: mahhhh, i originally wrote this when i was like 13? So... i edited some of the –cough- naughtier bits.  
  
-X-x-X- ENJOY!!! -X-x-X-

Leon was tiring. His body screamed in protest with every slight movement he made, it was so painful. His knuckles turned white underneath the leather gloves as he grasped the hilt of the gun blade. Leon brought a hand up and wiped the sweat from his brow, he had to go on. He just had to; Radiant Gardens need him to keep going. Sora – the destruction/ reparation/ destruction/ of the worlds- needed him to. Leon gritted his teeth in concentration and brought his hand down on a small object.

There was an earth shattering silence. Indeed. Then something unexpected happened: there was more silence with a touch of angst. A sudden cold breeze sent shiver up Leon's spine, he gathered the rest of his dying strength and…

'CLICK!'

"A month's worth of paperwork: now completed."

It was done. He was finished. It was all over!!! Done! Done! DONE! I tell you. Leon had to restrain himself from jumping around the room with joy; if he did it would ruin his ice prince image. If he did, he would be Sq- I mean- Leon.

Now all he had to do was go and kill Cid for not doing the brain cell killing, brain mashing, it should be made illegal work. The paperwork: mans and magical creatures alike… WORST ENEMY!! Outside of the building lighting flashed. But before Leon would go on him rampage he deserved a treat.

'Squeeetime.' He idly remembered the hyper ninja Yuffie telling him. It was strange, that girl had been spending a lot of her time on the computer lately, sometimes accompanied by Tifa or Aerith. When he thought about it, they only really got off it to eat or sleep. What was even stranger than that was the fact she tried to tie him and Cloud together. Or when both of them were in the same room they'd 'coo' and 'sigh'. Leon wanted to know why Dammit and it seems as though curiosity got better of our ice prince because he clicked on the internet history icon. Poor Leon, don't you know that saying about curiosity and the cat? Leon-kitty is dead.

In a way he was opening up Square Enix's version of Pandora's Box, but instead of releasing plagues on the world he was going to release rapid fan girls armed with studded kinky whips. Ok… where did that come? Leon's eyes twitched violently. What came onto the page shocked him into stammering. I would say silence, but that would mean that there wasn't much difference to his normal behaviour.

Online ordering for Potions, frogs … eh? The lyrics to Michael Jackson's "Thriller" … he made a mental note to ask Cid about that later. There was a foreign word after that, one that he didn't recognise. Inner-Leon was requesting for an English translation while painting his toenails pink, but we don't talk about Inner-Leon. Back to the string of foreign words. Like Oh my god! Give an English translation, please? Leon mentally locked Inner-Leon back in his cage and then reread the history icons in case he hadn't seen them properly. "Yaoi… what's this? Shonuen ai? What the?" He blinked in confusion, "Shonuen ai lemons. What!?!"

Leon shrugged his shoulders and opened the link totally missing the large, neon pink and flashing sign that Inner-Leon was frantically waving at him. Therefore, he was totally unaware that the sign said "Turn back from the evil pit of hell before it warps your mind". His eyes slowly move over the page.

-X-x-X-

A gigantic steak knife sliced the air and impaled itself in a small Barbie doll like toy. Slowly its head detached itself from the plastic shoulders and fell to the floor then it started to roll away. Strangely, the way its face had been drawn strongly represented Sephiroth. Cloud –with his foot- flipped the dolls head up in the air, and with his sword… I mean buster blade, sliced the dolls hair off which fell to the floor in tiny puffs of white. Cloud smirked, fully unaware that when he does that he looks like a Greek god… did I just write that?

No, it was a mistake, he then realized. As soon as all the Sephiroth fan girls found out what he did … well, they would mutilate him. Castrate him to be exact. How did he know? Well, let's just say that after Advent Children there were some threats made … If that happened all his fan girls would unite and rage war against the Sephiroth fan girls. And that was the last thing Cloud wanted on his conscience. For those who didn't know, yes, he has one.

Cloud was ready for anything … and then a high-pitched, unmanly cry came from the other room. Ok, maybe everything except that. He ran towards the source of the cry.

-X-x-X-  
Leon leapt away from the computer like it was made from pink sparkles and tutus! Which was a terrifying thought on its own, but this was worse! (Yes, there is something worse than pink sparkles and tutus.) The corner was now officially his best friend, and so were the wall and maybe the pillow he was pathetically whimpering into this precise moment. Leon grabbed his gun blade and held it in the computer's general direction, as if threatening the felon to dare come closer.

Cloud ran into the room and looked at the strange sight before him; he then noticed Leon's eyes. The dark and light contrasts of grey were swirling with fear; Leon closed his eyes -to block out whatever mental image he had in his head- letting his eyelashes dance across his cheeks for a split second. Did Cloud just describe that?

Leon looked over at Cloud and yelled "…!"

Cloud is confused at the statement and replied, "…?"

"…!!!" Leon yelled again and pointed towards the computer with his gun blade.

"…" Cloud sighed and headed towards the computer despite Leon's silent shouts of protest. Cloud briefly glanced at the URL "www dot fan fiction dot net" and scrolled through the numerous summaries. Cloud smirked at some of the authors' names.

**Cloud Kio.** 'Teehee!'

**AkuRokuFan.** 'Whatever that meant.'

**Cloud is my Uke.** '...Eh?'

**LeonisMine.** 'Poor thing.'

**Roxas-For-President.** 'I'd vote for him.' Cloud backtracked, that thought was a little sick. But it did feed his paedophilic nature.

**Fenrirs-good-friend.** 'Now that was kinky!'

Cloud absentmindedly clicked on a story and let out a high pitched girlish scream. What he read on the screen was absolutely traumatizing, absolutely unreal.

_Cloud tugged him down, now moving his hips, trying to pick up the rhythm that Leon was setting, changing his angle every other thrust. Their lips met in a frenzy; Cloud's unsure and tentative, Leons forceful and arousing, wanting. Needing... Devouring every inch of clouds, hot, tentative mouth. Cloud moaned at that and arched his back, trying to gather more friction. The simple act of arching his back was enough to have Leon's thrusts suddenly hitting the same, pleasurable, see-stars-behind-your-eyelids spot that had him screaming Leon's name out in a never-ending mantra. He broke away from Leon's mouth again and arched his back, hands scraping marks down his tanned and marred back, wrapping his legs tightly around Leon's waist, moving to meet every one of his thrusts. Leon kissed Cloud again and forcing the blond to rear back, back arching off the bed as he shouted Leon's name, mouth open and throat bared. Leon then proceeded to predatorily smirk_. _(Imagination queue, pounding. Shush, I'm only sixteen. Heart attack)__  
_  
Cloud died that day.

Well, not exactly, but he felt like he died over and over again. What sick twisted freak would write something like that? The author slowly raises her hand. It wasn't possible, utterly impossible. Cloud had never liked Leon /that/ way. Yeah sure, he thought Leon was attractive, real good build too and had very handsome eyes. Oh and sometimes Leon's voice would make him and want to… OH GOD! Cloud restrained himself form bashing his head against the wall. Since when did he start having these thoughts… and somewhere in the real world, a fan girl is laughing.

Cloud, shocked at that utter fact, flew away from the computer and into the same corner that Leon was currently at. Leon noticed the close proximity between the blonde and himself and backed away slowly.

"They think" Leon twitched, "that Sora and Riku are gay too!"

Such evil twisted fan girls.

Cloud was going to reply, but was cut off by said teenagers appearing through the door. Riku gave his hair a careless flick and Sora fixed his clothes.

"Belts and zips are in! Get with it Riku." Sora said, inspecting his attire with great pride.

Riku gave his hair another careless flick, "Long white hair spells perfection."

"Really?" Sora said ecstatically.

"Yeah-huh! S-E-P-H-I-R-O-T-H." Riku said with a melodramatic sigh.

Sora sighed happily, "Sephiroth," he breathed out and then shouted, "he wears zips and belts too!"

Riku gasped, as if someone had tainted his herbal essence shampoo… conspiracy "The ultimate fashion prince."

"We must find him." Sora stated posing, as did Riku.

Cloud blinked as a group of fan girls jumped out from behind the couch and snapped photos of the two teens. Sora and Riku both offered flirtatious smiles, setting off a round of earth shattering screams. After the commotion had died down, Sora started to walk out of the door, Riku following very close behind waving a Sephiroth flag.

Cloud was confused, where the hell did Riku get that flag? He might purchase one himself. Leon was scared, no, he wasn't scared. Leon was terrified times infinity and beyond. He unconsciously moved closer to his blonde companion and Yuffie happened to walk through the door at that precise moment. She blinked, sidetracked and grinned at the sight in front of her. Soon, a resounding "Squeee" filled the air.

Somewhere across Radiant Gardens, a loving wife said to her husband, "Darling, did you hear that?"

Her husband responded by turning the newspaper page, "hear what, dear?"

"That noise." The woman said, "It sounded like a fan girl got her doujinshi material"

"No sweetie, I didn't." Said the man.

"Must have been the wind." The woman concluded.

Meanwhile Yuffie was rebounding off the walls, squeeing with joy. Leon thought he was frightened before, now he was scared shitless and Cloud was feeling no better. Especially when Cid came moon-walking across the room, singing "Thriller" off key.

"They planned this!!!" yelled Cloud, pulling out his buster blade

"We need to find the seem to be existing un adulterated version, rip it up, kill the author and burn all evidence that it even existed!!!!" Leon yelled back.

Then there was silence, a cricket chirped. Yuffie fainted at the fact that Leon had said an entire paragraph. Cid stared in shock and Cloud was… where was Cloud anyway?

There was a loud crash, and a shriek of metal hitting metal. The buster blade sliced through the computer system and continued to bah up the remaining metal. Leon caught on and helped bashed the offending object. The hyper active ninja recovered from her 0.02 seconds of being out-of-it, saw the commotion fell to her knees wailing and screaming "NO MY DOUJINSHI!!!"

Merlin had walked into the room to see what all the commotion was about and personally, he, along with my beta, found the sight amusing. Cloud and Leon bashing up what was left of the computer, Yuffie in hysterics and personally Merlin thought the sight of Cid singing was worst than them all.

"Oh, I see they found the collection." Merlin stated casually. A few slackened jaws which were followed by a series of awkward pauses.

"How did you know about the collection!!?" They all yelled. Merlin took it as his queue to leave at that moment.

**-X-x-X- Some time later -X-x-X-**

Leon was petrified, Cloud was petrified. They were both petrified beyond all reason. There was no word for it. The room was small; the room was dark except for the occasional ray of moonlight that reflected of the men's weapons.

"Should we like… give them a mood or a lubricant. Or something?' came Aerith normally sweet voice through an air vet, Cloud stiffened and held his weapon close to his body.

"Nah! Cloud can take the pain." Said the voice belonging to Tifa.

"They will star in my doujinshi and I shall shoot them into stardom," screamed Yuffie. Leon did not miss the evil laugh that came afterwards.  
And all three girls wondered why Leon and Cloud would twitch in their sleep, holding onto their weapons as if they were holding onto dear life. They wondered why?

THE OH SO EVIL FANGIRLS!!!!! (Were responsible. Like, you know, in case you didn't get that line. –beta slowly raises hand-)

**x-X-x**

**No computers were harmed in the making of this fic. However, Cloud did suffer some serious trauma, but a week in therapy has him angsting healthily again, so everything's ok. Leon was well… Leon, and invested in electroshock therapy. Cid had singing lesson, and is now performing alongside Frank Sinatra in the production "Search for Mother" co-starring Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo a.k.a the Mako Boys. Yuffie writes doujinshi for a living and is going well. Merlin suffered some major withdrawal symptoms… I'm yet to know why. **

**And now for the so-called 'Secret Ending', which isn't really much of a secret cuz I just told you about it … meh:  
**  
**"The Not So Secret Ending."**

Shadows loomed through the hallways of an apparently isolated building. Suddenly in the background, over a large P.A system the Mission Impossible theme started to play. Two slightly feminine figures dressed in painfully tight black leather body suits weaved in and out of the pillars that didn't exist before. There was a hiss of static.

"Uke?" said a voice, "Come in Uke?"

"Here Seme!" said another voice.

"Good!"

"Why am I always the Uke? I can be seme material too!!!!" the second voice complained.

"Because the fan girls can't see you topping anybody, Sora!!" said voice number one.

"What about Roxas?' asked Sora, putting a gloved hand on his hip, "I can top him!!!?'

"No! No! Roxas would dominate you!" said the other voice.

"Shut up Riku!!!!"

A figure, masculine, strong, downright sexy and Sora and Riku idly reflected 'the ultimate fashion prince!' walked out from the shadows. Sephiroth inspected his surroundings. Something wasn't right, something wasn't right at all. Sora and Riku leapt from their hiding places, and the screen goes black. There was a manly scream, and two resounding "Sephy!!!"

**R&R**


	2. The Sues

**Disclaimer:**** I own nothing, which is probably a really good thing.  
****Notes:**** I haven't written a story in like what two years. Teh OMG that long!?! O: and well yeahh... my funnyness is rusty and gay nows T___T enjoy anyways.  
****Warning:**** Sue bashing. Get while its hot.**

It did better a second chapter.

**-x-x-x-**

Life Sucks.

And, no, Cloud is not being more emo than he normally is, which you know, is like the epidemic of emo next to Sasuke from Naruto, but we do not question why the second is currently in this universe, and there's only room for one emo in this story. Save Sephiroth, ever since the incident, he…. Uhh…. Has not been the same and disappeared, no more like running away shrilling down the street oddly sounding like a banshee, or one of the chicks in a soap opera that just discovered that her husband is sleeping with her sister whom is actually her illegitimate daughter that is actually in fact a reincarnated witch and is also hell bent on taking over the world, scandalous, and destroyed every window in every house in radiant gardens and retreated to become a Buddhist monk in some distant corner of the world. He even cut his hair in order to disguise himself, much to Sora and Rikus Dismay, as Sephiroth looked strikingly like Marilyn Manson, which gave young Sora nightmares for the next two months. Ahem, back to the previous statement.

Life is unjust, inequitable, iniquitous, unreasonable and just downright unfair.

Good doesn't always triumph over evil, and sometimes evil kicks good's ass to kingdom hearts and back and runs away laughing with his wallet and shoes. The nice, sensitive, emotionally inept guy does not always get the girl. Beauty just happens to run away screaming profanities from the beast and immediately gets a restraining order as well as a nice set of kitchen knives and electric fences. The geek doesn't become a doctor and ends up flipping burgers for Mickey D's for the rest of his natural life. The drug using jock gets trapped in a mental illusion that he's a five year old girl and joins a tot's ice skating club, when will it take people to learn that little children cannot skate without injuring, maiming or disfiguring some sort of limb. The author cringes, bad, bad, childhood memory. The pretty popular cheerleader gets peroxide poisoning. Superman doesn't always win, and wonders why nobody notices that Clark Kent strangely goes missing every time he appears. The extensive electroshock therapy one puts themselves through after witnessing a terrifying horrific events that used your person in an entirely sinful repulsive way did not work, at all, leaving you with immense scaring rocking in a corner with a gigantic knife ranting , _Oh god! Please! No,_ over and over again as if it was a holy mantra.

This is why, Cloud Strife, knows that life sucks and that god is a sadist that creates horrible life obstacles to watch lesser people scream in agony before they run around street looking at all the amazing colours because they've taken to anvils to the head recently, or they click on the history icon on their internet totally innocently and unleash doom, death and destruction and the future impending apocalypse. There is a sitar playing ominously in the background. Wait… maybe that was just Demyx and his sitar that only speaks the truth. Cloud has seriously got to stop watching Moulin Rouge. What? It's not his fault that it's Tifa's favourite movie and any smart, sensible man would know that women are scary beings and should not be denied what they want for they will band together and plot your down fall. Especially Tifa.

Back to the statement to why life was unfair for our blonde – Aerith. She was Clouds' darling even though she did tie help tie him up with Leon for three days straight, but that was all just a memory right?. She is the cheese his macaroni. The apple of his eye. Who came to him one day with a shocked look on her face which looked like she plucked out of her designated eyebrow line? Yikes. She took a deep breath and explained, the she heard from Kairi, who heard from Sora, who heard from Tifa, which heard from Yuffie who heard from creepy professors Xemnas delinquent half brother Diz that the address to the fan girl that wrote that horrific fantasy about Cloud and Leon in a very compromising position had been discovered. MUHAHAHAHA. Cloud was going to kill the bitch, and Leon was going to kill the bitch even more. MUAHAAHAHAHAHA. Somewhere in a faraway distant land there is an earthquake. Sora and Riku were going to help their estranged companions when they suddenly went on a suspicious vacation.

Thus, how the blonde ended up in this situation.

Leon was petrified, Cloud was petrified. They were both petrified beyond all reason.

"I don't know about this Leon. It could be dangerous!"

"You expect me to take you seriously when you're holding that thing?" Leon asked, pointing toward Clouds' weapon of choice.

Leon and Cloud were standing out in front of a weird and terrifying building; it had ripped curtains, rotting wooden boards, broken windows, flickering lights and eerie music playing in the background. Oh my god, was that a bloody handprint? Queue melodrama screams people. It looked like a scene from a low budget horror movie, you know the ones with red dyed corn syrup everywhere and decapitated limbs strewn everywhere and there's most likely a zombiefied Quentin Tarantino hiding behind a bush on a dark and stormy night.

Yeahhhhh...

Cloud was holding onto a meat cleaver for dear life and Leon was sure if that thing could talk it'd be rejecting this harsh treatment and gnaw the blonde mans arm off. Wicked. Well, since the accident which no one talks about that involves she who must not be named which led to the therapy that never happened because of the situation of what situation, Clouds steak knife had to be discarded by the corporation of computers are friends, not food because of the harm cloud may unleash upon other innocent and defenceless computers. Conspiracy.

"It's menacing!"

"The hell it isn't!" Leon yelled, which you know was just raising his voice an octave, but with Leon one tends to improvise, "your meat cleaver is as menacing as Aerith hugging a teddy bear"

"Have you seen aeriths teddy bear?"

The bright fluorescent pink ball of fluff was basically the scariest thing in existence, and the way Aerith cooed and ahhed over its hideousness was just petrifying. Dude, the thing had pink sparkles and wore a tutu and if you squeezed it, it said in sickly saccharine voice, weeeeee I wuv youuuuuuuuuuuu! Leon had nightmares for weeks, and visibly shuddered with a particularly violent twitch.

"I told you it was menacing!"

"Whatever" Leons eye was still twitching, out of fear or something else entirely but it left Cloud totally baffled and he shuddered as a cool icy eerie breeze blew past, making him clutch the meat cleaver tighter, if that was humanely possible.

"Stop wimping out Cloud"

"Not"

Suddenly a spot light fell upon Leon Leonheart and rose petals began to fall from the sky when the background music hit a dramatic crescendo. He took a deep breath and dramatically said, "This is the time when we can right wrong. Strike back at our enemies and kill those butt faced miscreants unaware decapitate them when we get our revenge for all the pain, torture and suffering. We shall catch them unawares. This time the war will not be lost! If we don't strategically plan this out all will be lost. Victory will be _**ours!**_**" **

"Butt faced miscreant?" Cloud raised a feminine eyebrow.

The music came to a halt. Leon blanched.

"…Wow. Those therapy lessons must really be working out for you"

"…"

Leon hit cloud with the meat cleaver causing cloud to scream out in pain.

"Hn. Menacing"

There was deep and dark silence, suddenly a flash of lightning struck the sky illuminating a wolf shaped cloud. A dog howled in the distance, and for the second-first time in is Leon, Leon felt fear. Oh no, this wasn't your regular fear, not the normal fear that means you're scared of something, someone, some future impending disaster that know ones knows about because it's in the future, or if it is happening it's just a global hoax and not really happening because it's happening. Silly global warming. Yes, this was real fear, the one that made you want to scream and cry and run home to mummy and if Leon wasn't the real man he was, he would do exactly that. There was a wailing scream in the distance and a voice that emanated from the house saying,

"_Come here… my pretties…. Come here."_

Okay, Leon may be a manly man but the running away thing was looking really tempting right now.

"Let's do this"

Okay, nothing suss there. Cloud sweat dropped and took one step into the horrible horror house.

Silly boys, don't you know you shouldn't follow the creepy; sinister disembodied voice because it may turn out to be a freaky paedophile that eats people, like that one from kingdom hearts that tried to eat the boy with the big menacing key. Slowly, the boys walked down the hall toward the mirror and on the wall at the end. They stopped about five feet away from it.

Cloud pulled out a tub of gel from a pocket that didn't exist before and started to fix his hair, making the spikes even spikier if that was possible. This earns him a weird look from Leon, Cloud to quickly gain back his evaporating pride quickly said, and "Spiky Hair. Makes good knives"

Oh yeah, it was totally believable.

"Hn."

Pride not fixed. "Hope my hair pokes your eyes out"

"What"

"Erm, I said do we have a plan?"

"Kill The Sick Bitch."

"Ah."

They followed a sinister looking light down the hallway that seem to appear form under a door, there was a faint tapping sound as if someone was typing on a computer, it wad rapid and made cloud shiver. Oh how he hated, loathed, repulsed, wanted to destroys hack maim computers and anything technological. He swears if it wasn't for Aerith he would have retreated into senile hermitism ages ago.

Leon opened the door……….

AND

There was silence. There was nothing in the room, not even a freaking computer Cloud was going to kill Aerith who heard from Kairi, who heard from Sora, who heard from Tifa, which heard from Yuffie who heard from creepy professors Xemnas delinquent half brother Diz that the address to the fan girl that wrote that horrific fantasy about Cloud and Leon in a very compromising position had been discovered. It was false. False I say. They were being punked. It was only logical. OH MY GOD! CLOUD WAS GOING TO MEET ASHTON…. And his hair looked like a chocobos nest. This was a tragedy, a tragedy. Heresy.

Leon was shocked into silence, and looked slightly disappointed he really wanted to see if his anger management classes were working.

_Ding Dong!_

Cloud let out a high pitched unmanly cry and jumped into Leons arms.

_Ding Dong!_

Leon dropped cloud and walked towards the door, gun blade at the ready with a seriously serious face that made him look slightly constipated.

"Don't!" Cloud said, latching himself onto Leons ankle. Cloud was acting strangely out of character tonight, his paranoia must be finally settling in. Hey, cut the kid a break, how you feel if a weird looking person like Sephiroth kept popping out of the ground hell bent on killing you and the world because they experimented on him and stole his mother, who he then cut her head off and went crazy and somehow got turned into a bird and then suddenly disappeared without a trace form the world. He was out to get cloud. Don't deny it. Say that paragraph really fast three times. It sounded trippy as man.

"Whatever," Leon said, kicking cloud off his leg and slowly limped away. Cloud had sharp nails, yo.

A pizza truck was waiting innocently outside with the engine still humming it was slightly shrouded by the dark night.

"Did you order pizza?" Cloud asked, pulling himself off the floor and skulked towards the window.

"Nope." Leon said, but his stomach growled lightly. Wow, Leon eats food. I has proof. And, also, he thought smugly, does his own laundry. Ahh the joys of male accomplishment.

Leon warily opened the door with his gun blade at the ready, his knuckles turned white and his faced turned into the ugliest scowl to ever be seen on a man. No seriously, Tifa, the big tomboy that can take down a fully grown heartless boss thingy, ran away from him screaming and crying and locked herself in a room for a month drawing strange symbols on the walls. Yuffie thought she had been abducted by aliens and they had stolen and eaten her brains. Yuffie wore a tin foil hat after that day.

Leon dropped his gun blade and stood still like a stunned mullet as a he suddenly had a chronic nose bleed.

"Did somebody order a pizza?" said a silky, feminine voice that somehow managed to laced with innocence as well as lust. It made inner Leon want to do naughty things that are not for innocent ears to hear. Too bad. Leon was running out of blood, quickly and cloud didn't know the number for nine one one, but here in Australia the author notes its triple zero. How confusing.

Before him stood the most unbelievably gorgeous girl he had ever set his eyes on. She was a petite girl with a tee shirt and jeans that clung perfectly to her flawless, milky white skin. She smiled, flashing him a set of perfectly straight and white teeth between those soft, voluminous lips. Her eyes were sapphire blue that spoke of innocence and a very haunting past that made Leon want to take this girl into his arms and never let her go. He decided right then and there on the spot, that this was his soul mate, his life, his everything, the future bearer of his children; he was going to protect this girl with his life.

And with that said, he stared dreamily into her eyes and Leon melted. "Where have you been all my life…?"

"Mourning the deaths of my loved ones, hunting heartless and fulfilling my goal as future princess of Radiant gardens and searching for my long lost brother Sora as I waited for you " she said seductively, leading a small dainty hand up to cup his masculine and attractive face.

They leaned in closer to each other, their face mere inches apart.

"NO!"

Leon was roughly thrown to the floor by a frantic Cloud, who then proceeded to beat the beautiful, young girl with the menacing meat cleaver until she looked like a bloody pulp or squashed banana. Cloud then kicked the now not-so-beautiful girl out the door and dead locked it looking severely proud of his efforts.

"Die you tantalizing temptress! Die! Die!"

Leon was pissed. "That was the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with!"

"There was something wrong with her!"

Leon blinked a few times. "What? Her? No way!"

"That's just what the author wants you to think!" cloud screamed, in an entirely manly, ego saving, dignity preserving, dignifying way, "She fell in love with you first and not me!"

Okay, there was a point. Every woman, including a few boys always fell in love with cloud first before they did Leon, cloud was just pretty like that. It didn't matter anyway, Leon's one true love remains himself, so he never has to fear rejection, well… that's a lie, the Leonhart turns himself down regularly just to keep it interesting. But still, that aside, the girl was perfect, just perfect and had a haunting past just like his own. Inner Leon believed Cloud was a prick.

"Could have you have least waited to kill her until the morning."

Cloud whacked Leon with the bloodied meat cleaver, and said."……."

Psychologically it meant _"Snap out of it! Remember what they said in group therapy?"_

"….?" _we are all individuals!"_

"No! They said…." And this is cloud when cloud went into crazy flashback mode.

_**An elderly lady sat in the middle of a round room, round because some interesting weird people had a weird obsession with sitting in corners like that guy that dresses like a pirate that was paranoid a crocodile was going to eat him, as well as the guy who seriously thought he was a gorilla and we won't even start on the girl that thought she was a mermaid and then there was cloud, comfortably wrapped up in a straightjacket, but he was used to it, considering all the turtle neck shirts he wore.**_

"_**Now cloud," the old women leered, it was crazy and cloud suspected she owned at least one million, collected stamps had never gotten some in her life," the only thing more evil that evil itself" the old woman said, walking around him like a cat would a canary, sharpening her fingernail like tails with a knife, she then suddenly pointed the knife at clouds throat, "are Mary sues. Pretty. Perfect. And Pretty."**_

_**Senile, batty old lady.**_

"Cloud what have I told you about spending time with maleficent?" Leon inquired.

"We need to es-ca-pe" cloud said frantically running around the room trying to find an escape, he sounded oddly like that fish from that movie, and you know the one with the vegetarian sharks and short term memory loss. Or maybe it was that anime with the guys that looked like chicks, and that creepy kid that sounded like a squashed frog. Hmmm. He grabbed his friend and pushed him towards the back door. Leon was still mourning, no mourning would be an understatement of the year, and Leon was moping. Moping. It was scary; I think I liked it better when he was Mr. grumpy gills. Cloud, upon seeing Leon moping said in pure shock, "Oh Behemoth! She stole your soul!"

Leon mumbled something about paranoid spinster young blondes who needed to have fun because those people that seriously believe that blondes have more fun have seriously not met Cloud, Roxas or Seifer, we do not count Tidus in this because we suspect he in fact dyes his hair. We have Yuna investigating this statement as we speak

Somewhere, miles and miles away, a young little sprite and no not the fuzzy lemon drink, was snooping around a surprisingly neat bathroom for a teenage young boy and accidently locked herself in the cupboard. Now being the smart little sprite she is, she brought back up by the name of Rikku, but Rikku was too preoccupied with playing with the bottle that had peroxide written on it, a skull and crossbones and highly flammable do not light on fire. Queue Pains moment walking in with a match. Moving along.

Leon, for the first time in his life, yielded.

They tried to escape through the back door, but it had strategically placed furniture in front of covered in knives, whips, spikes and many other numerous torture devices. Cloud was definitely sure that that wasn't there before, and found himself vaguely wondering how fast he could tie Leon up with that leather rope. Okay… where did that come from? Come on Cloud; remember back to your therapy. The front door was their only hope; cloud took great leaps that would have made any hurdle jumper proud dragging the un-enthusiastic Leon behind him.

He stopped suddenly. A cricket chirped. The street had been lit on fire; it was like the nibelheim tragedy all over again, only there was no sociopath or megalomaniac with a sword that was surely compensating for something stabbing people. Oh and there was no mountain either, unless you count that 500 foot drop. Ohhhh. There, in the middle of the street was about a hundred tantalizing temptress, all in the warrior poses looking perfect. The flames reflected off their perfect complexion complementing all the girls so wonderfully Cloud didn't even want to put up a fight and just drop the menacing meat cleaver and yell, Take me now.

Wait. Where was the meat cleaver?

"We've been waiting for you," they said seductively.

And even before their testosterone laden brains could react to the Kingdom Hearts version of the playboy mansion and reply, they were violently attacked by Mary Sues. It was grotesque, EW, EW, EW, EW their slimy paws were all over cloud, touching his hair and EEP. Not the PANTS!

"Poor Cloudy!" said a Mary sue which looked strikingly like Sephiroth, crooned "I have a present for you"

That was so De Ja Vu man.

Cloud tried to squirm away, but the girl held on tight, the Sephiroth look alike was molesting him and someone was stealing his shoes. He liked his shoes! They were custom made; he was going to decapitate the bitch that stole his shoes. grrrrrrr. Desperately, Cloud looked for Leon but could not see him from the en masse of Mary sues, cloud desperately searched for the meat cleaver or anything that could be used as a weapon, until some chicks hand sank into his arm making him yell out loud.

"The heartless cursed me, now all I want to do is steal hearts. I wish I could stop, Cloud if you give me your heart, I can heal!"

"Cloud, I'm pregnant"

"Cloud, I don't belong here. I belong on earth, but I love you so much I don't want to go back!"

This, without a doubt, sucked.

Cloud wanted to die, again.

Leon, on the other hand was in complete and utter bliss, it was all his dreams come true at once, all these gorgeous and beautiful women fighting over the Leon-man for once and not the girly guys of the game. Ahh. Wonderful, perfecto, who knew Leon, was a closet pervert. Merlin would be proud. One look at Leon's face told Cloud that he was for surely doomed.

"Leon, we're meant to be together" one of the Mary sues called out

"Oh. Heck. Yes." Sure they might have been evil Mary Sues from the far reaches of hell but they were hot evil chicks all the same and when you've grown up and seen Tifa, Yuffie and Aerith grow up and through the awkward stages of puberty; a hot chick was hard to find these days.

By now, a huge pile of Mary Sues had begun to grow on top of Clouds immobilized body. He tried to fight them off but there were just far too many of them. Already Cloud was beginning to feel their power working its magic on him.

This wasn't right! He had to fight it!

Dammit

Cloud managed to throw Sephy baby off his unresponsive body and came up with a brilliant plan, yes. It was brilliant. It had no flaws and had enough ammo in order for cloud and Leon to get out of this mess.

"LEON!" cloud yelled, and every one stilled, eyes focused on the determined blonde. Cloud looked deadly serious and then shouted, "I LOVE YOU"

Leon died, and so did a large amount of Mary sue. The plan was working cloud mentally screamed as some of the Mary sues backed off him, well, it worked for a while.

"I'll convert you cloud"

To Leon, it looked like Cloud was running towards him, arms outstretched and wanting. It was like a scene from one of those Hollywood movies where the girl was skipping through a field of sunflowers with light and bubbly piano music in the background. Suddenly, flowers began to sprout from the ground and grow real tall and proud. The sun broke through the clouds and scattered around on the once dead but now lush and green grass. It was amazing. It was beautiful. Leon outstretched his arms, waiting to catch the beautiful blonde man, not knowing why he suddenly found himself attracted to cloud. To Cloud, he was running away screaming from the Mary sue that was determined to convert to false gay-ism and tackled him to the ground, laying a kiss on the blondes lips. In the world of Leon, the field of flowers suddenly died and his world was ending, with a crash, bang, and beedebop.

It was over.

Cloud knew it.

The chick was a horrible kisser, and suddenly he had another therapeutic flash back.

**Cloud was still tied to the chair, with a knife held to his throat; the senile old women had not finished her impending rant of survival. She promptly kicked clouds chair to the ground where the gorilla man happily searched for bugs in his hair. You think therapy was supposed to help you; oh you were so wrong mate. So So. Wrong.**

"**the only way you can defeat a Mary sue, is to insult them! MUAHAHAHAH!" the batty women laughed," I'll get you sleeping beauty, if it's the last thing I do"**

Suddenly, Cloud had an idea! With his last remaining breath he rasped out the words.

"You. Are. A. Shit. Kisser…."

The Mary Sues, who had been pawing at him, paused for a moment, confused at what they had just heard.

"What?"

"You're ugly! Ew! I'm going gay cause of your ugly face. Screw gay! I'm going bulimic cause your face is so hideous to look at it makes me throw up! Get away from me!"

The Mary Sues all shrieked in horror. They had never been rejected before. It was impossible! No man could resist their charm! NO! NO! NO! Curse you!

"Oh gross!"

"you're ugly like your momma!"

"Is that spinach in your teeth?"

"is that a wrinkle?"

"you look fifty!"

"get new implants!"

"Wow. Your fat. Stop eating you pig!"

Cloud fought his way to get to Leon, who was lying on the ground immobile and pale white. It was freaky. The Mary sues around Cloud were writhing in agony, and slowly started to melt. But Leon was still being attacked, but he wasn't fighting back! OH MY GOD! THEY REALLY DID TAKE HIS SOUL! Then, a Mary sue grabbed hold of Leons gun blade and shouted happily to her comrades.

"I have the gun! Squeee Leon Loves me the most!"

"give it here COW FACE!"

Cloud growled in frustration as he shouted off a few more insults at oncoming Mary Sues.

Then suddenly, "What the hell. Don't touch the gun you deranged ugly, psychopaths!"

There was a loud crash and high pitched screams as Leon launched himself at his prized possessions grabbing it from the hands of the tainted beasts and started to chase them around the front yard screaming insults at them and chasing them maniacally swing the gun blades in such a dangerous fashion. So dangerous and scary in fact that cloud had to launch dive behind a random car, which just turned up in the middle of no-where surprisingly at the moment when they needed an escape vehicle the most. Wow. Talk about timing.

A sleek black window opened up to reveal two bodies in painstakingly tight leather. Cloud only knew two people that could pass off that type of leather, and that type f tightness.

"CLOUD! LEON! JUMP IN!"

Nobody had to tell Cloud twice. Riku, hit the accelerator and made they made their way through the mass of Mary Sues, to the Leon. Leon had managed to successfully manage to behead a group of sextuplets with a swing of his gun blade. Honestly, boys and their toys. Cloud dragged Leon into the car, which was still manically decapitating the beautiful women and told Riku to hit the gas. Mary Sues were jumping on the car, perfect nails digging into the roof and taking large chunks of paint off it. Riku was now pissed, and with immense amount of joy, ran them over. Again. And again. And once more for good measure.

After awhile the awesome foursome lapsed into silence and then something happened, oh wait, no, that was Sora just breathing. There was a banging emanating from the boot or trunk of the car and cloud warily asked Sora what it was. Sora happily said it was nothing, and just to ignore it, and smiled big and wide. Cloud was scared. The banging and muffled noises continued for about three miles before it gave out. During that time, much to clouds induced paranoia was spent discussing Sora and Rikus special vacation trip. Apparently they went to India to find a Buddhist monk, it was difficult, but they did find him in the end. Riku evilly laughed and gave his hair a careless flick.

Leon was unusually quiet, and gave no indication that he had heard the present conversation.

"sorry I said I loved you back there…."

Sora and Riku gasped, and Riku shouted "I knew it" and Sora sadly handed him a hundred munny.

Leon didn't reply.

"are you okay Leon?"

"no"

Cloud was intrigued, "why?"

Leon frowned. "I never got any pizza."

**-x.x- LATER – cuz in my stories there's always more –x-x-**

"Riku," said Sora, turning to his partner and crime, "when you said we should spend more time together not that I don't mind kidnapping, pillaging and plundering and other recreational activities… but I thought you know, more time would like be at home, with a movie, and clouds secret collection of sea salt ice-scream, but there's something I got to say…."

Riku tried to ignore the pain that pain that clouded his heart.

"Where exactly are we?"

Oh.

"Well…" Riku said nervously, "Ten miles back I saw a sign that says YaoiVille: ten miles"

"YAOI!" Leon suddenly shrieked and launched himself out of the car.

The car decided to break down at that opportune moment.

Dun Dun Dunnn.


End file.
